So Easy

Have you ever been in a situation that appeared so impossible that you cannot even fathom what the other side might look like?  I have heard the sarcastic phrase a hundred times: "It's not like it's brain surgery."  As I stared brain surgery square in the face, that phrase took on an entirely different implication.  Although I never remember hearing any exciting stories of successful craniotomies, I am fully informed it happens everyday.  We gathered as a family, my mother, father, sister and ex-husband to strategize our course of action.  I would drive to Dallas one day early for pre-surgery activities.  Mom and dad would follow the next day, my sister would be there post-op, and my ex-husband would stay home with our son.  One, two, three......GO TEAM!!!!

As the time neared, my heart was confident, but my head (not just the broken part) was unsure.  A timely visit from some missionary friends sharpened my perspective.  Rachel and Leah (names have been changed) are from Iran.  They are sisters who came to the United States in the 70s to attend college and eternity found them along the way.  You see, in the Iranian cultured love is of no consequence, so imagine their joy when they learned of Jesus.  They fell completely and madly in love, and their only desire was to tell the world of this amazing love and of course, of this amazing grace.  Rachel and Leah were keenly aware that following Jesus might and would most likely cost them everything, including their life.  However, nothing else matter but spreading the gospel.  Their journey took them back to Iran for 16 years.  During that time, they experienced rejection and hatred from their family and dodged numerous death threats.  Conversely, they saw God's mighty power show up in the impossible moments.  Rachel and Leah carried hundreds of bibles through military check points for over 16 years without incident.  Rachel and Leah saw one of their hit-men come to Christ.  Before her death, Rachel and Leah witnessed their mother fall to her knees in worship to the one, true God. 

I was excited to see these friends about whom I had only heard.  I strongly admired their deep loyalty to the gospel, their complete death unto themselves, and their total abandonment of their hearts.  These 2 women quietly ate a small piece of fruit for dinner and later slept on the floor of my parent's guest bedroom.  They explained to my dad that they did not want to get too comfortable, not knowing where God would take them tomorrow.  Unsure if their would be food tomorrow or a place to sleep along their journey, my dad watched as Leah and Rachel disciplined themselves to always be prepared to act out of obedience.

As they sat in our living room, he implored them again with a sense of desperation, "Would you please pray for my Jenni?  She has this mass in her brain, and doctors must remove it.  They must cut open her brain and remove it.  It's a long surgery, and we can only hope that everything turns out good."  He pleaded again, "Would you please, please pray for my Jenni?"  Without missing a beat in her thick, thick Iranian accent, Rachel confidently declares, "Oh, that is so easy for God.  That is so easy, easy, easy for God.  That is so so easy for my God.....easy, easy, easy."  In spite of their circumstances, Rachel and Leah have yielded all authority to God and have seen his power and glory displayed undeniably.  Brain surgery appeared effortless in the eyes of their God, my God.

I know that we know that our God is the God who makes the impossible possible.  Personally, it's hard for me not to place my earthly limitations on a limitless God.  When I think of this story, I'm reminded that our God is the same God who effortlessly parted the Red Sea, who told Lazarus to rise, who turned water into wine, who with his very words spoke life into this world.....and it was so easy.

Out of the storm

I have often wondered if Job's story serves solely as an example for us that things could always be worse.  A very bad day in my world pales in comparison to Satan's testing of Job's commitment to and love for God.  I submit that a typical American's top 3 priorities look something like this:  1) Family 2) Career/Wealth 3) Health.  Within minutes, Job found himself without any of those things.  Now what?  What does life begin to look like after complete and utter ruin?  Although Job's story is a good example for us that things could always be worse, there is much more depth within this example.  How did Job face the greatest devastation and trial of his life?  When devastation ceaselessly stalked Job in pursuit to destroy, he a made a choice.  He chose not to sin.  He chose to accept not only the good from God but also trouble.  Merriam-Webster's definition of accept is to receive willingly, as to accept a gift.  Devastation = a gift?

At his darkest hour he refused to curse his Maker.  He refused to lose sight of God's everlasting love.  Job refused to see God as anything but the lover of his soul.  There have been times when darkness felt like a blanket covering my vapor of a life.  Loneliness, darkness, emptiness, brokenness overwhelmed me.  Lack of purpose and meaning haunted my every step.  I made a choice too.  I decided to be the Anti-Job.

Let's dig deeper still.  In the midst of my personal storm, I discovered the abyss of God's perfect love.  Many, many years earlier, Job found himself drowning in this abyss.  Job 38:1 says, "Then the Lord answered Job out of the storm."  You see, the Lord was inside the storm with Job.  He was there with Job, experiencing the storm alongside Job.  God's love never changes even in the midst of our storms.  His faithfulness never fails.  His is with us always even (or should I say especially) within our storms? 

Pigs Food

Luke 15:16 NLT  "The young man became so hungry that even the pods he was feeding the pigs looked good to him."  I love the story of the prodigal son.  It's my story.  It penetrates to the very core of my sinful but rescued heart.  Throughout my christian life, I must have heard a thousand times this story of the running father (Luke 15:20), the shameful son and their glorious reunion.  (On a very important side note, God is a runner.  Running is biblical....just sayin.)  But never had I pondered Luke 15:16.  Before God set my heart free, I was hopelessly searching to be filled and to feel whole.  My brokenness felt so empty, and I just wanted to feel fixed and normal.  However, I believed every lie that satan told me:  You have gone too far.  No one will ever want you or love you, especially God;  You are too broken.  You cannot be fixed;  You have done deplorable acts that cannot be forgiven;  You can never go home after what you have done.  When I began to feel as though I had truly blown it, I sought solace in things of the world.  I had given up hope.  I yearned to be whole and feel whole.  I could not possibly conceptualize it at the time, but I understand now that what I was searching for was Christ.  He is the ONLY thing that can fill me and make me feel whole.  An insatiable longing to feel whole caused me to view "pigs' food" as desirable just like the prodigal son did.  It's hard to imagine that pig slop could look good to me.  It became clear through my actions that a sinful heart wants for sinful things.  I engaged in reckless, selfish behavior.  I bulldozed through this life with no regard for anyone or anything around me.  Nothing or no one was sacred.  Even now, it is shameful to admit.  There are still many who have never forgiven me, who have a deep disdain for me, and rightfully so.  


I was so spiritually famished and starving that I ate whatever appeared satisfying in a futile attempt to be filled.  However the truth remains the same, I need and want for absolutely nothing when I seek God's face.  My past life, compared to what God has planned for me, is pigs' food.  Because anything short of wanting what God wants for us is like eating a pig 's leftovers.     

Before time existed

The words of her father flowed freely and confidently from her lips.  She said, "Jenni, before time existed, God set this day aside for you and everything in it.  And no one or nothing can take away or add to what God has already prepared and set aside for you this very day.  If that door is open for you, it is open.  And nothing on this earth can shut it.  If that door is closed for you, it is closed.  And nothing on this earth can open it.  The chapters of your life have already been written.  It is your job to walk it out in obedience."  It gave me a misplaced comfort.  I wanted to argue with my mother.  You see, I have been without a full-time job for 8 months.  I desperately wanted her to "get it".  She added with an air of certainty, "That job is out there, and it is yours.  NO ONE can take it from you.  That job has been set aside just for you before time existed."  In my mind I was thinking, she didn't answer any of my most pressing questions.  How am I suppose to live on 25% of my previous salary?  How am I suppose to pay make a house payment?  A nakedness enveloped me, and I confessed, "God, it's been 8 months.  I am tired of trusting you.  It's too hard, and I am tired."  It felt less like a confession and more like a bitter betrayal.  Of course the shame and guilt immediately took up residence in my heart.  I viciously fought against those feeling, because I absolutely know who God is.  He is faithful even when we are not.  His love never changes no matter my circumstance or performance.  Most importantly, God desires an honest relationship with his children.  And if anything, I was being honest.

I should know this by now, but my mother does "get it".  Proverbs 19:21 says "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."  How can I forget that God is the Author and Perfecter of my faith?  Now, when people ask me what kind of job I'm looking for, I tell them that I am looking for nothing short of the job God created for me before time existed.

If anyone understands

As I started my new journey as a devoted follower of Christ, the road was anything but easy.  It was hard to understand that a heart changed and a heart set free in Christ would come at such a high price.  From the inside out, God transformed me in such a mighty way that I was certain every human couldn't reasonable deny what great things God could do.  But I looked anything but great to the majority.  The cost of following the Ruler of the universe was steep.  My friends were now my harshest enemies.  My motives for following Christ were painfully questioned.  My joy and freedom and victory in Christ were seen as self-serving and self-righteous.  I listened carefully as my mother counseled me.  She said, "Jenni, if anyone understands what it's like to feel hated and misunderstood, it's Jesus.  If anyone understands what it's like to have your friends betray you, it's Jesus.  If anyone understands what it feels like to be rejected, it's Jesus."  I made a quick mental reaffirmation that at any cost, I would follow Christ.  Because what kind of God becomes a human, living within the limitations of a human body and a human world, to rescue a disgusting sinner?  What kind of God devises his rescue mission in such a way that I would not feel alone in my suffering.  A God whose qualities and majesty are worth glorifying is the God of whom I speak.  My journey has been more about realizing that this life has absolutely NOTHING to do about me (thank goodness!!!) and everything to do about making much of my Maker.  How does an awfully sinful sinner make much of a holy and perfect God?  I don't know either, but I know He is worth my fervent effort.  There are many lessons I am still learning.  And I never imagined that I would have to explain and defend to fellow Christians that my testimony is not the exhaustive list of all the horrible things I've done in my life, nor does my testimony indicate the end of my sin.  I am still very much a sinner in need of grace and mercy every day.

I write these words as my first blog entry, because I suspect that the enemy wants nothing more than to discourage me.  The words of my wise mother will comfort me when the enemy attacks.  I fully understand that I am offensive to many.  I will continue to be hated, misunderstood, and rejected.  But if anyone understands....it's Jesus.