Pigs Food

Luke 15:16 NLT  "The young man became so hungry that even the pods he was feeding the pigs looked good to him."  I love the story of the prodigal son.  It's my story.  It penetrates to the very core of my sinful but rescued heart.  Throughout my christian life, I must have heard a thousand times this story of the running father (Luke 15:20), the shameful son and their glorious reunion.  (On a very important side note, God is a runner.  Running is biblical....just sayin.)  But never had I pondered Luke 15:16.  Before God set my heart free, I was hopelessly searching to be filled and to feel whole.  My brokenness felt so empty, and I just wanted to feel fixed and normal.  However, I believed every lie that satan told me:  You have gone too far.  No one will ever want you or love you, especially God;  You are too broken.  You cannot be fixed;  You have done deplorable acts that cannot be forgiven;  You can never go home after what you have done.  When I began to feel as though I had truly blown it, I sought solace in things of the world.  I had given up hope.  I yearned to be whole and feel whole.  I could not possibly conceptualize it at the time, but I understand now that what I was searching for was Christ.  He is the ONLY thing that can fill me and make me feel whole.  An insatiable longing to feel whole caused me to view "pigs' food" as desirable just like the prodigal son did.  It's hard to imagine that pig slop could look good to me.  It became clear through my actions that a sinful heart wants for sinful things.  I engaged in reckless, selfish behavior.  I bulldozed through this life with no regard for anyone or anything around me.  Nothing or no one was sacred.  Even now, it is shameful to admit.  There are still many who have never forgiven me, who have a deep disdain for me, and rightfully so.  


I was so spiritually famished and starving that I ate whatever appeared satisfying in a futile attempt to be filled.  However the truth remains the same, I need and want for absolutely nothing when I seek God's face.  My past life, compared to what God has planned for me, is pigs' food.  Because anything short of wanting what God wants for us is like eating a pig 's leftovers.     

Before time existed

The words of her father flowed freely and confidently from her lips.  She said, "Jenni, before time existed, God set this day aside for you and everything in it.  And no one or nothing can take away or add to what God has already prepared and set aside for you this very day.  If that door is open for you, it is open.  And nothing on this earth can shut it.  If that door is closed for you, it is closed.  And nothing on this earth can open it.  The chapters of your life have already been written.  It is your job to walk it out in obedience."  It gave me a misplaced comfort.  I wanted to argue with my mother.  You see, I have been without a full-time job for 8 months.  I desperately wanted her to "get it".  She added with an air of certainty, "That job is out there, and it is yours.  NO ONE can take it from you.  That job has been set aside just for you before time existed."  In my mind I was thinking, she didn't answer any of my most pressing questions.  How am I suppose to live on 25% of my previous salary?  How am I suppose to pay make a house payment?  A nakedness enveloped me, and I confessed, "God, it's been 8 months.  I am tired of trusting you.  It's too hard, and I am tired."  It felt less like a confession and more like a bitter betrayal.  Of course the shame and guilt immediately took up residence in my heart.  I viciously fought against those feeling, because I absolutely know who God is.  He is faithful even when we are not.  His love never changes no matter my circumstance or performance.  Most importantly, God desires an honest relationship with his children.  And if anything, I was being honest.

I should know this by now, but my mother does "get it".  Proverbs 19:21 says "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."  How can I forget that God is the Author and Perfecter of my faith?  Now, when people ask me what kind of job I'm looking for, I tell them that I am looking for nothing short of the job God created for me before time existed.

If anyone understands

As I started my new journey as a devoted follower of Christ, the road was anything but easy.  It was hard to understand that a heart changed and a heart set free in Christ would come at such a high price.  From the inside out, God transformed me in such a mighty way that I was certain every human couldn't reasonable deny what great things God could do.  But I looked anything but great to the majority.  The cost of following the Ruler of the universe was steep.  My friends were now my harshest enemies.  My motives for following Christ were painfully questioned.  My joy and freedom and victory in Christ were seen as self-serving and self-righteous.  I listened carefully as my mother counseled me.  She said, "Jenni, if anyone understands what it's like to feel hated and misunderstood, it's Jesus.  If anyone understands what it's like to have your friends betray you, it's Jesus.  If anyone understands what it feels like to be rejected, it's Jesus."  I made a quick mental reaffirmation that at any cost, I would follow Christ.  Because what kind of God becomes a human, living within the limitations of a human body and a human world, to rescue a disgusting sinner?  What kind of God devises his rescue mission in such a way that I would not feel alone in my suffering.  A God whose qualities and majesty are worth glorifying is the God of whom I speak.  My journey has been more about realizing that this life has absolutely NOTHING to do about me (thank goodness!!!) and everything to do about making much of my Maker.  How does an awfully sinful sinner make much of a holy and perfect God?  I don't know either, but I know He is worth my fervent effort.  There are many lessons I am still learning.  And I never imagined that I would have to explain and defend to fellow Christians that my testimony is not the exhaustive list of all the horrible things I've done in my life, nor does my testimony indicate the end of my sin.  I am still very much a sinner in need of grace and mercy every day.

I write these words as my first blog entry, because I suspect that the enemy wants nothing more than to discourage me.  The words of my wise mother will comfort me when the enemy attacks.  I fully understand that I am offensive to many.  I will continue to be hated, misunderstood, and rejected.  But if anyone understands....it's Jesus.